I deserve to be flogged.
The problem was a McAfee virus scanner running in the background. With the virus protection disabled, all the 2D menus operated quickly and normally. I am a retard for not checking this, but I haven't had a virus-protection-related game problem in so long I forgot I had it running.
Kudos to Massive Assault support for emailing me and helping me figure out this problem in such a short timespan! THANKS GUYS!
Of course, I don't deserve this great treatment since I broke a cardinal rule in game troubleshooting, but... live and learn.